NFB Convention 2010

Convention went well but it was too long. A week is way too long. I really hated the beginning of the week b/c the individual sessions were boring and I didn't get much out of meetings like "Blind parents group" or "Blind Educators" b/c people spent more time complaining about their life circumstances than talking about tips or tricks or valuable information. Once we started general sessions the week went better. I learned a lot about the National Federation of the Blind (NFB) philosophy, about blindness issues in society, about attitudes and mentalities, about research, etc.

I also found it helpful being able to research technology that I can use to help me in my graduate work and teaching. I have been so afraid of the notion that one morning I could wake up with no vision or that one of my blackouts would result in my vision never coming back. But now I feel more confident that with the aid of certain technology I could continue grad work and find a way to succeed. Too bad everything blind related costs an arm and a leg though.

We had convention in a huge hotel. I've never been in one this big. With 3,000 blind people and all their canes and dogs...I was ready to scream. Smack, smack, smack. We all collided into each other on a regular basis and people were getting rather annoyed with each other. My friend broke two canes and I ended up letting her use mine, which left me with nothing. I still have some vision that I was able to get around the old fashioned way without breaking any arms or legs in the process. :-)

I have to say I'm not sure I want to go to another convention. Just a tad stressful and way too many people. I was grateful I wasn't forced to wear sleep shades the whole time. I would have sat on the floor and cried. The whole building was made of marble and the few times I did use sleep shades I couldn't hear much useful info. It was so loud and echoey. I also tripped like 5 people in a matter of minutes. Whoops!!! I am so glad to be back home!

Interesting Dynamic

I do notice an interesting dynamic for me as a high functioning partially blind person that it seems I am very much straddling both worlds. I’m too blind to be sighted and I’m too sighted to be blind. There is an attitude that permeates the blind community that anyone with sight or some sight is or could be an enemy to the blind. Or someone with partial sight has denial issues b/c they need to allow themselves to be more blind and live like they are totally blind. It’s this whole “they think they are superior” or it’s “us vs. them” attitude that is prevalent. Then as a blind person I deal with the other side of the coin too with the sighted community. I don’t really fit in either one and it becomes very apparent at times. I think I would use this analogy as a comparison. An adopted black child into a white family would notice they are different somehow. They know they are loved and accepted by their family and friends, but they feel out of place among black people b/c they have a white family and they feel out of place in their white family b/c they are black. As much as we’d like that not to be the case there is always a noticeable difference in their mind and their perception of what goes through other people’s minds (some true and some not). I know that people care about me yet I know that I sort of stand out. I embarrass some family members and notice the questioning glances of some friends when I have my cane. They aren't quite ready to accept me this way. I just notice there is a difference between me and my sighted friends and family, and I notice a difference between me and my blind friends. To them I have a lot of sight and don’t understand them as well or identify the same. I just feel like I don’t fit. Bothers me more sometimes than it does at other times. I do have special friends that really enjoy trying to understand what I am learning and going through and that means a lot to me. I think I have this website for that reason. I really want people to “see” what I’m learning and love it when they show interest in this aspect of my life. I even have a friend that comes to the center regularly. That means a lot to me.


I noticed again how my visual field is affected. My blindness is so deceptive b/c your brain fills in the peripheral gaps with memory so you don’t really realize that you aren’t seeing what is there in real time. Rather it’s stored memory. My friend held up her hands for me to read and I noticed that as she held them up next to each other I had to actually look from one to the other and make her slow down in her counting (since we were trying to be extra quiet during the convention speech). I could not see them at the same time. I used to be able to count fingers on both hands without problem and know right away without having to process what I just saw. That is a small field. Hard to believe it’ll get significantly smaller. It was one of those “it hit me” moments. I couldn’t even blame it on poor lighting conditions.

Convention: attitudes discussed

I was actually quite surprised at convention when I found out how bad blindness is dismissed in the public school system. They don’t feel it is necessary for blind children to know how to read Braille or children partially blind losing vision are not taught how either. It doesn’t make sense to me why the school system excludes blindness as a handicap that is worth specific instruction. Listening to a tape or having someone read print to you is considered enough. The NFB have been fighting the lack of Braille literacy for a while now. I’m so surprised how much I didn’t know actually happened.

There’s a couple in Missouri that had their baby taken away at the hospital because the hospital social worker felt that two blind parents would not be able to take care of a baby. Blind people are more than capable and often develop tricks or methods to do things sighted people do without much difficulty. Bells on toddler shoes, really good baby proofing, hands and fingers to change diapers (which sighted people do anyways), etc.

I was so ignorant to the mentality that society has towards blind people and how extensively deep it went. It is considered the worst of disabilities to have and the most disabling (aside from quadriplegia). I agree that it’s awful to have but I know and have seen many blind people function better than a lot of sighted people do. And perhaps after getting used to it it isn’t so bad after awhile…you learn to use other senses to fully enjoy the world around you. Sight becomes less important. The hard part is dealing with a very sight based society and putting up with the notions that “you can’t do anything b/c you are blind.” I even had the notion as a partially blind person that total blindness would render me useless and incapable. I know that’s not true now and if anyone could overcome the challenges I know I could.
Even with deafness attached to it I know I’d find a way to overcome. It’s the social element that is hardest to deal with, and the limited freedoms (i.e. driving).

Convention

We are flying out tomorrow morning to Dallas TX to go to a week long convention. It's the yearly NFB convention (National Federation of the Blind). Over 3000 blind people are expected and I am not looking forward to it. So many people and so much activity. I've been given permission to go without sleep shades so it'll be nice just focusing on info gathering rather than spending time worrying about travelling amongst this ginormous crowd of craziness and busyness. I'll let you know how convention is going when I get the chance.

Rock Climbing

Went rock climbing again today. The creek near where we were climbing was very high today so it was very noisy and made hearing pretty difficult. I hate trying to walk on the trail near the river b/c all I can hear is the water and get really nervous. When I finally sat down on a rock to put on climbing shoes the guides left to do something and forgot about me for a LONG time. I just sat there wanting to go hunt someone down and get their help but it was too loud for me to even begin to figure out where to go to ask for help. Eventually I did get to climb on a rock and did fairly well. There were a few times when I was having little spats on the rock face with the wall. I really hate not seeing where to grab and I would take it out verbally on the rock. I did make it to the top and repelled down without too much trouble. I still expect too much of myself. Oh well, that is what has made me such a driven person I guess. You have to be in a "fast paced" world that doesn't view the disabled as equal. I had to make myself an equal and prove myself. SO now, even with something like rock climbing, I push myself so hard to be good at everything. (I gave up on being great with intersections though).

We also went on the Tyrolean (a zip line across the river). I'm not a big fan of fast moving deep water and hanging above the river went against my natural instincts. I had to pull myself across and then ride the line back across. I was fun actually. Pulling myself was no trouble, but the idea of jumping and throwing myself towards the river water on the way back was not sitting well. One of the guides said the look on my face was classic, like "Uh huh you want me to just throw myself over the river. Right!!! No-thanks!" But new things are always scary the first time.

Grilling

Ok so I learned how to grill with no vision today. Once again putting my body near a heat source I can't see if really nerve wracking! The trick is to use tongs to feel the grill and find your way around it. I grilled vegetables in an aluminum foil wrap. So it wasn't too hard to keep the veggies contained and the part I was most nervous about was the whole burning my hands thing. After learning to grill something today I still think I am more savvy with power tools than anything cooking related.

Speaking of which I did make my first error in wood shop today. Apparently when I raised the miter saw to cut some trim I didn't raise it high enough to clear the wood and as soon as I started the saw it grabbed the trim and chewed it up. Whoops! Fortunately we learn safe ways of cutting things so I wasn't in any danger from losing fingers and will probably never forget to raise the blade higher.

Evaluation

I took the day off to really spend time evaluating my progress in training and decide if I should continue with it. I sort of am on a plateau at the moment and I believe it has to do with attitude. Sometimes I am tired of being blind and would like to just go back to driving and living a normal life...but that's not going to happen. Then I decide that being around blind people reminds me too much of what I don't want to be. Although they are a great support network so the attitude doesn't make much sense. I guess it's all part of this cyclical grieving process I tend to do over and over again. I did decide that I do want to continue training b/c the skills really are helpful and I am trying to refocus myself on the program. Too many other distractions have caused me to divert from what I need to do while in the program.

During one of our philosophy classes some time ago we were discussing why driving is not such a big deal. Of course I had my hands folded across my chest and a very grumpy expression on my face. People were saying how nice it is not having to pay for insurance, gas, repairs, and parking, etc. So many folks thought driving was no big deal and could do without it. Finally I piped up and said "well I would have liked to have had the choice to drive or not to drive, rather than having no choice at all." No one said anything and It got quiet. Losing my driving rights has been very hard to deal with and makes me mad over and over again. Driving has a freedom associated with it and allows for transportation without having to "bug" others for rides all the time. I hate being a nuisance and being so needy for rides to get places where public transit doesn't go...like my church for instance. This has got to be the most difficult aspect to blindness, especially when I think I can still See a lot.