Rock Climbing

Went rock climbing again today. The creek near where we were climbing was very high today so it was very noisy and made hearing pretty difficult. I hate trying to walk on the trail near the river b/c all I can hear is the water and get really nervous. When I finally sat down on a rock to put on climbing shoes the guides left to do something and forgot about me for a LONG time. I just sat there wanting to go hunt someone down and get their help but it was too loud for me to even begin to figure out where to go to ask for help. Eventually I did get to climb on a rock and did fairly well. There were a few times when I was having little spats on the rock face with the wall. I really hate not seeing where to grab and I would take it out verbally on the rock. I did make it to the top and repelled down without too much trouble. I still expect too much of myself. Oh well, that is what has made me such a driven person I guess. You have to be in a "fast paced" world that doesn't view the disabled as equal. I had to make myself an equal and prove myself. SO now, even with something like rock climbing, I push myself so hard to be good at everything. (I gave up on being great with intersections though).

We also went on the Tyrolean (a zip line across the river). I'm not a big fan of fast moving deep water and hanging above the river went against my natural instincts. I had to pull myself across and then ride the line back across. I was fun actually. Pulling myself was no trouble, but the idea of jumping and throwing myself towards the river water on the way back was not sitting well. One of the guides said the look on my face was classic, like "Uh huh you want me to just throw myself over the river. Right!!! No-thanks!" But new things are always scary the first time.

Grilling

Ok so I learned how to grill with no vision today. Once again putting my body near a heat source I can't see if really nerve wracking! The trick is to use tongs to feel the grill and find your way around it. I grilled vegetables in an aluminum foil wrap. So it wasn't too hard to keep the veggies contained and the part I was most nervous about was the whole burning my hands thing. After learning to grill something today I still think I am more savvy with power tools than anything cooking related.

Speaking of which I did make my first error in wood shop today. Apparently when I raised the miter saw to cut some trim I didn't raise it high enough to clear the wood and as soon as I started the saw it grabbed the trim and chewed it up. Whoops! Fortunately we learn safe ways of cutting things so I wasn't in any danger from losing fingers and will probably never forget to raise the blade higher.

Evaluation

I took the day off to really spend time evaluating my progress in training and decide if I should continue with it. I sort of am on a plateau at the moment and I believe it has to do with attitude. Sometimes I am tired of being blind and would like to just go back to driving and living a normal life...but that's not going to happen. Then I decide that being around blind people reminds me too much of what I don't want to be. Although they are a great support network so the attitude doesn't make much sense. I guess it's all part of this cyclical grieving process I tend to do over and over again. I did decide that I do want to continue training b/c the skills really are helpful and I am trying to refocus myself on the program. Too many other distractions have caused me to divert from what I need to do while in the program.

During one of our philosophy classes some time ago we were discussing why driving is not such a big deal. Of course I had my hands folded across my chest and a very grumpy expression on my face. People were saying how nice it is not having to pay for insurance, gas, repairs, and parking, etc. So many folks thought driving was no big deal and could do without it. Finally I piped up and said "well I would have liked to have had the choice to drive or not to drive, rather than having no choice at all." No one said anything and It got quiet. Losing my driving rights has been very hard to deal with and makes me mad over and over again. Driving has a freedom associated with it and allows for transportation without having to "bug" others for rides all the time. I hate being a nuisance and being so needy for rides to get places where public transit doesn't go...like my church for instance. This has got to be the most difficult aspect to blindness, especially when I think I can still See a lot.

Practice

It's been awhile since I've updated. Had some rough days dealing with some emotional things. Some losses happen again and again and just when you think you'll get used to it you realize you never really will.

Well back to blind training, last week one of the things we did in travel was practice an intersection with a turn island. One of those things you have to cross to get to the actual intersection. The right turners use it to keep from having to wait for the light with the rest of traffic. As a blind person this type of an intersection is a monster. At least for me. First you have to know that there is one...usually the curb slowly turns rather than making a sharp corner. Then you have to line up with traffic at 45 degree angles instead of perpendicular or parallel like normal. When you cross you want to head towards traffic in order to hit the island. Actually making yourself move into the sound of traffic is a violation of all things common sense for me. But alas you arrive to safety (assuming you made the correct assumption in the first place, and there is actually a turn island). Then the rest of the intersection crossing is pretty normal like others. Of course normal for me is still not very good.