Today went very well...and to think it was all b/c I didn't allow myself to peak at all and thus my confidence level went up. Made gluten free mini muffins, did a whole bunch o dishes, read lots o braille, and learned to navigate facebook.com on the computer. My kids came to visit and I cut up and apple for them along with heating up some meat I made in the microwave. I can actually read the braille letters on the microwave. SO exciting!!! It's becoming practical and useful now. The kids had fun and were as wild as usual. Abby made comments like "I'm getting used to people and things around here." So silly!!! Travel went well. I felt like I was figuring out my cardinal directions better (N, E, S, W) and keeping better track of it as I travelled. We were travelling in a neighborhood and some dogs got really mad at us and were very ferocious sounding. It didn't bother me until a tree branch bumped my shoulder and I startled thinking a dog jumped the fence to land on me and attack. Wow quick adrenaline rush. Good thing I figured out quickly that it was a tree.
If anything I noticed that by conscientiously forcing myself not to peek I saw that I really could do it and my confidence was much higher. Hummm wonder what the moral of the story is!!!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Woodshop
Today went well in woodshop. I learned how to use the router table ane made dado cuts. I got to make the cuts while he was on the other side of the room. Doing the math calculations really hurt the brain though. Keeping track of all the numberd in your head is challenging. I enjoyed myself.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Personal struggles
Today was another reflective day for me. I have been struggling with myself. I sort of feel like I've hit a wall temporarily. I've been going full speed ahead and I almost need to just sit back and be okay with slowing way down and spending time evaluating myself. Going through these life changes are very difficult. I'd like to be able to go from room to room without having to think so hard about how to do it. So tiring!!! The only break I get is when I'm sleeping. I already spent a lot of brain power interpreting what I hear...now I have to interpret what I don't see. Could we not have a worse combination of disabilities!!! I had one of my counseling session and we discussed something I thought was very insightful. If I could just take it one day at a time I would probably find things to be less stressful. I've always been a planner and it's stressing me out. I can only see the big picture and it looks so daunting and overwhelming. I can not see how I will survive...but I know I will. I just have to look at it one day at a time. We also discussed how people with significant trauma in their lives tend to be overwhelmed by uncertainty. Someone in a major car accident may wake up at times after recovery unable to go without being terrified of what is going to happen to them on a given day. Fear is a key word. Well in my case this disease has so much uncertainty with it and I seem to be stuck in this giant land of limbo. I am too blind to do such activities as drive or walk casually and uneventfully through a store without the need of a cane. Yet I am not yet totally blind so I don't quite fit in there as well. It's a very disturbing sense to feel like I don't quite fit and I'm not sure what I can do about it. I'm also terrified that I don't know what my future holds. I'm trying to prepare the best I can but I don't know how to plan for it. Will I be total next year, or in 10. Will I be able to do graduate school? Can I be a mom? Is my hearing going to drop too? I have a hard enough time with the hearing I have and being unable to read lips anymore. I can't lose what I have. I am really afraid of what I may have to face in that department. It seems like I am living like I have been traumatized by this...and in a way I have. It's such a drastic alteration to life as I knew it. It's frightening and I have no control of it.
OK enough reflecting. So far I am now in grade 2 braille. Grade one includes the alphabet, and all punctuation. Grade 2 is when contractions come along. Fun but so much to learn. For example the letter c by itself means can. There are symbols for parts of words, like: ed, ing, ch, and others. There are symbols for words like and, of, with, and others. It shortens how much you have to read and makes everything fit better onto pages, but it's a lot to learn. I don't know how I am going to remember all of them. I have also been learning how to read and track the lines. They feel so close together that moving from line to line often ends with me missing lines, returning to previous lines, or completely lost somehow. Wheew...lots of stuff to know.
OK enough reflecting. So far I am now in grade 2 braille. Grade one includes the alphabet, and all punctuation. Grade 2 is when contractions come along. Fun but so much to learn. For example the letter c by itself means can. There are symbols for parts of words, like: ed, ing, ch, and others. There are symbols for words like and, of, with, and others. It shortens how much you have to read and makes everything fit better onto pages, but it's a lot to learn. I don't know how I am going to remember all of them. I have also been learning how to read and track the lines. They feel so close together that moving from line to line often ends with me missing lines, returning to previous lines, or completely lost somehow. Wheew...lots of stuff to know.
Royalty
I went to the shopping mall with my daughter Abby in order to get my braille watch re sized. I didn't take my cane with me (which wasn't smart considering how many objects I about ran into). Anyways I noticed that as I approached a door to go into the building someone was coming out. I'm so used to people noticing me and holding the door, opening the door, and doing everything to be helpful. This time I had no identifier and the person let the door shut. I had to screech to a stop to keep from running into it. I guess I've been getting used to be treated like royalty. LOL!!! My friend would say it serves me right for not taking my cane with me. I make so many little mistakes without my cane and people just go around thinking I'm so rude and glare at me. I make almost as many mistakes with my cane, but at least people look at me and think "oh she's just blind!" It does make me laugh though. Guess I had a little mini lesson on that one.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Drywalling
Today I spent time drywalling a stairwell and brought a friend of mine from the Colorado center of the blind. She is totally blind but very interested in learning how to do as much as she can. I decided to teach her how to drywall and she was very excited. I am attaching a video of me teaching her to feel where to score the drywall so that we can hang it up. We hung two sides of the stairwell and will finish taping and mudding another day.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Another Graduation
Another student graduated from the center. He is from Ethiopia and his story is a touching one. He was blinded by tree sap when he was a child and then he was used as a beggar in the city for some opportunist man. He was able to escape and survived blind for many years before some missionaries found him and got him into our program at the Colorado Center for the Blind. I may not have his story entirely correct but I know his story is a remarkable one. Most of us in this program have very touching remarkable stories of enduring hardship and overcoming obstacles. It is sad to see people go but it is good to have them go out into the world as independent blind adults capable of doing whatever they put their minds too. I am very fortunate to have met these strong and courageous individuals.
I know my story is not an easy one and yet it is who I am. I would not be the same strong determined and ambitious woman if I hadn't faced these hardships all my life. Perhaps we are living proof that when the bible says "Perseverance under trials builds character and strength," it was right. (Of course that verse is very paraphrased). :-) At the same time I can say I would have preferred not to have gone through all this crap, but it is what it is.
I know my story is not an easy one and yet it is who I am. I would not be the same strong determined and ambitious woman if I hadn't faced these hardships all my life. Perhaps we are living proof that when the bible says "Perseverance under trials builds character and strength," it was right. (Of course that verse is very paraphrased). :-) At the same time I can say I would have preferred not to have gone through all this crap, but it is what it is.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"There are days when I hate everything about being blind and there are others when it seems do-able and okay to live with." This is something one of my friends recently said and I would say sums up what I am facing. Some days I feel so confident and ready to accept this and then other days I wish I could throw everything I own off some roof. I definitely experience so many raw emotions when it comes to this. It seems that one day will be fine and then one little disappointment or experience will set me off. Being blind is a very scary prospect, especially with hearing loss on top of it. When I am under sleep shades I notice that my level of understanding communication is hard, especially the more conversations and noise you add to a situation. I still find myself feeling like this is all so unreal and find it hard to believe that I am actually losing my vision. Some days I am just so tired and exhausted dealing with my life. It feels so hard and unfair. Then other days I completely shut off my feelings and ignore the obvious about what I am going through.
I struggle with how obvious my impairment is, and how much I have to rely on others. I've always been more independent and now even that is being taken away. I spend so much time feeling so bad for putting others out when I need help with something, like shopping. I don't like how it feels when I can't get my needs met by myself and I have to rely on someone else. It's hard and I know it will only increase more so as I lose more and more of my vision.
OK now that I have spent all this time talking about my sad feelings I have some good news. I got to take today off because it snowed too much. The center was closed for the day. It was a much needed break!!!
I struggle with how obvious my impairment is, and how much I have to rely on others. I've always been more independent and now even that is being taken away. I spend so much time feeling so bad for putting others out when I need help with something, like shopping. I don't like how it feels when I can't get my needs met by myself and I have to rely on someone else. It's hard and I know it will only increase more so as I lose more and more of my vision.
OK now that I have spent all this time talking about my sad feelings I have some good news. I got to take today off because it snowed too much. The center was closed for the day. It was a much needed break!!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Today was a crazy adventure for me. A tad stressful. I forgot my purse on the train (another reason why fanny packs are more convenient) and a good friend of mine took me from the center to downtown Denver to go get it. Later on in the day we had the fire alarm go off. We all had to find our way outside and stand in the cold rain. Something caught on fire and was smoking a lot in the kitchen apparently. Guess fire alarms are a regular occurrence for us. I remember the one we had a few weeks ago when my hearing aids were plugged into the computer so I never heard the alarm. Everyone was ushered out and then my instructor realized I was still in the lab. She now knows to tap on me and alert me to get off the neck loop that connects me to the computer.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Vision and Hearing simulator
This is cool. It's a vision and hearing simulator. You can see what it's like for me. Just click on the buttons to the right on the screen that say vision simulator or hearing simulator...PLay around with the simulator. It'll give you a good idea of what I live with. The simulators or on selectable tabs towards the top of the page.
http://www-edc.eng.cam.ac.uk/betterdesign/downloads/impairmentsims/
my eye disease is called retinitis pigmentosa and I have the mild hearing loss with hearing aids and severe without hearing aids....actually to hear the normal mode I had to turn the volume all the way up. ;-/
What you'll notice is a "charlie brown's mom's voice" quality to what I hear. That is how I've always described it.
Keep in mind that the black dark regions that are blocked out are really just a hazy white or non existent. They aren't really black...how to draw in non existence.
At night though my vision does look black...and in low light just look at the picture and make everything really dark in your mind. Only a few things show up...
http://www-edc.eng.cam.ac.uk/betterdesign/downloads/impairmentsims/
my eye disease is called retinitis pigmentosa and I have the mild hearing loss with hearing aids and severe without hearing aids....actually to hear the normal mode I had to turn the volume all the way up. ;-/
What you'll notice is a "charlie brown's mom's voice" quality to what I hear. That is how I've always described it.
Keep in mind that the black dark regions that are blocked out are really just a hazy white or non existent. They aren't really black...how to draw in non existence.
At night though my vision does look black...and in low light just look at the picture and make everything really dark in your mind. Only a few things show up...
Info on RP and Ushers
Some info I compiled from online about Retinitis Pigmentosa (the vision portion of my disease):
What kind of vision do people have who have retinitis pigmentosa?
People who have retinitis pigmentosa see things from the center of their eyes. They may see details in good light. They have trouble seeing anything in dim light. They may not notice things moving to the side. They may bump into things or trip on things. They do not see things to the side or down below or up above. Sometimes they feel like they are looking through a tube or a tunnel. People call this “tunnel vision.” It may take longer for people who have retinitis pigmentosa to see again when they go from bright light to dim light or from dim light to bright light. Persons with retinitis pigmentosa can be disturbed by photophobia. Light falling directly into the eyes causes dazzle. Light coloured surfaces may also reflect enough to disturb vision. Decreased contrast sensitivity is a common feature of retinitis pigmentosa and several other eye diseases. It means that the person does not see faint shadows, (s)he needs high contrast in order to see.
My comments:
This is why I no longer can drive. My field has narrowed significantly and I wasn't noticing things happening around me.
My vision is continuously deteriorating so I am in training to prepare for the eventual lose of most of my useful sight.
I see pieces of people instead of all of them. This goes for other objects as well.
I see blinding light in clear strong sunlight.
I see nothing in the dark. No shadows.
Ushers interview:
Here's a link for an interview on the Today Show about a woman with Ushers syndrome. She's very much like me and says a lot of insightful things. She has the same fears and talks about them very well. It's a very informative video that will help you see what it's like from my perspective.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/29741456#29790193
click on the video called "facing a rare disorder with courage." There's another one called "It's like slowly being taken from this world."
What kind of vision do people have who have retinitis pigmentosa?
People who have retinitis pigmentosa see things from the center of their eyes. They may see details in good light. They have trouble seeing anything in dim light. They may not notice things moving to the side. They may bump into things or trip on things. They do not see things to the side or down below or up above. Sometimes they feel like they are looking through a tube or a tunnel. People call this “tunnel vision.” It may take longer for people who have retinitis pigmentosa to see again when they go from bright light to dim light or from dim light to bright light. Persons with retinitis pigmentosa can be disturbed by photophobia. Light falling directly into the eyes causes dazzle. Light coloured surfaces may also reflect enough to disturb vision. Decreased contrast sensitivity is a common feature of retinitis pigmentosa and several other eye diseases. It means that the person does not see faint shadows, (s)he needs high contrast in order to see.
My comments:
This is why I no longer can drive. My field has narrowed significantly and I wasn't noticing things happening around me.
My vision is continuously deteriorating so I am in training to prepare for the eventual lose of most of my useful sight.
I see pieces of people instead of all of them. This goes for other objects as well.
I see blinding light in clear strong sunlight.
I see nothing in the dark. No shadows.
Ushers interview:
Here's a link for an interview on the Today Show about a woman with Ushers syndrome. She's very much like me and says a lot of insightful things. She has the same fears and talks about them very well. It's a very informative video that will help you see what it's like from my perspective.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/29741456#29790193
click on the video called "facing a rare disorder with courage." There's another one called "It's like slowly being taken from this world."
Perspectives and links
I found another blog where someone posted the following about Ushers:
"To most it's the stuff of nightmares; as one father wrote on his blog after reading about the condition while researching what might have caused his son's deafness: 'Usher syndrome gave me the experience that the cliche calls 'chilled to the marrow'. It's a cold start, a real glimpse of horror.'"
It's an interesting perspective. I'm not sure I would say that I am chilled to the bone by my genetic condition. I mean I have it and I'm learning to live with it. The process of losing my eyesight and possibly more of my hearing is not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's my life. It's my reality. It's not that bad. The part that is hard for me to deal with is the fact that I am limited because I can't drive. I want to go to grad school for my Ph-D but I'm not sure I will be able to because I have no transportation. I have applied and we'll see what happens, but will I be able to accept the position? I absolutely abhor the limitations placed on my by Ushers syndrome but not the disease itself.
It is scarey and most people can't fathom what it is like to have a dual sensory loss. But the part that they really can't understand is the limitations put on me by a world that does not accept the disabled very easily. I am capable of doing many things but I am not able because in a world that relies on mobility I don't fit. Of course I am working on changing that for myself.
"To most it's the stuff of nightmares; as one father wrote on his blog after reading about the condition while researching what might have caused his son's deafness: 'Usher syndrome gave me the experience that the cliche calls 'chilled to the marrow'. It's a cold start, a real glimpse of horror.'"
It's an interesting perspective. I'm not sure I would say that I am chilled to the bone by my genetic condition. I mean I have it and I'm learning to live with it. The process of losing my eyesight and possibly more of my hearing is not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's my life. It's my reality. It's not that bad. The part that is hard for me to deal with is the fact that I am limited because I can't drive. I want to go to grad school for my Ph-D but I'm not sure I will be able to because I have no transportation. I have applied and we'll see what happens, but will I be able to accept the position? I absolutely abhor the limitations placed on my by Ushers syndrome but not the disease itself.
It is scarey and most people can't fathom what it is like to have a dual sensory loss. But the part that they really can't understand is the limitations put on me by a world that does not accept the disabled very easily. I am capable of doing many things but I am not able because in a world that relies on mobility I don't fit. Of course I am working on changing that for myself.
Another day
Today kinda started out bad and I had a pretty sour attitude but as it progressed I shaped up. I suppose that I am human too and can have bad moments just like everyone else. I am working on being gentler with myself. It's ok if I don't get everything right away. For Pete's sakes reading braille with your fingers is a whole different ball game than doing math or something for me. It's ok to be patient with me. Now hopefully I can put that into practice b/c I have been way to hard on myself.
Travel is usually the class lately that I don't like and am nervous about, but today went much better. We did a route that wasn't super taxing so I could be a little more explorative and work on a few techniques I have trouble with. I felt much more confident after today than I have in a long time with my cane travel skills. I even forced myself not to cheat when I thought I was going to be hit by a car. Reality was I was stuck in the bus loop, not the street. Hard to tell when you can't see your surroundings. Since I was hollering and being whinny about it my instructor chose to ignore me and then came over to get me when a bus was coming. He was like "I am not going to deal with any yelling. I will just ignore you unless you are in real danger." Good thing I'm sure. We talked over how I could better figure things out rather than throwing my hands up (with cane attached) and yelling "where am I?" for the whole world to hear. Man he has a lot to put up with with me as his student. I definitely make him earn his paycheck. LOL!!!
Travel is usually the class lately that I don't like and am nervous about, but today went much better. We did a route that wasn't super taxing so I could be a little more explorative and work on a few techniques I have trouble with. I felt much more confident after today than I have in a long time with my cane travel skills. I even forced myself not to cheat when I thought I was going to be hit by a car. Reality was I was stuck in the bus loop, not the street. Hard to tell when you can't see your surroundings. Since I was hollering and being whinny about it my instructor chose to ignore me and then came over to get me when a bus was coming. He was like "I am not going to deal with any yelling. I will just ignore you unless you are in real danger." Good thing I'm sure. We talked over how I could better figure things out rather than throwing my hands up (with cane attached) and yelling "where am I?" for the whole world to hear. Man he has a lot to put up with with me as his student. I definitely make him earn his paycheck. LOL!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Woodshop video
I had videos taken during woodshop. I am cutting out the base for my trivet project. I am not a big fan of table saws but the way my instructor has taught me to be safe with them leaves me less afraid of the saw. It was always the one saw I hated in my remodeling and woodworking adventures as a sighted person. Now it's not so bad even without sight. The blade can only be an eight above your cutting surface and a push block is very important so your hand doesn't go into the blade. My instructor is spotting me so that the piece will stay straight. The second video is the mental prep that went into bravely cutting something without seeing. I did well handling my nerves!!! LOL!!!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Ok can I complain a little?
I have to say I am so irritated with this so called thing called "clicks." I know this isn't a blindness issue and that everyone else probably feels the same way as I, but do clicks have to exist everywhere I go. Schools, churches, work, and now even at the Colorado Center for the Blind. It's so annoying how a few people have adopted this "I'm too cool and good for you" attitude. Oh please...is this high school. Apparently so!!! Well considering most of them just got out of high school with the exception of one that is applying for a doctoral program. Actually they are generally nice alone but in the group setting they are kinda snobbish. What am I? Dog food!!! It shouldn't bother me so much but I really wish I didn't have to deal with this attitude thingy going on while learning to figure out my new life. Well I'm not a cool person b/c I'm a nerdy mathematician that knows PI to ten decimal places....well in that case WHO CARES!!! I like being a nerdy mathematician that likes such bizarre things like science. LOL!!!
I know it bothers a lot of other students that they are shunned from this group, but I find that the "shunned" students have such amazing character and class anyways. I have become good friends with a number of them and wouldn't trade that with some "cool" classification that will die off anyways. These are friendships that have shown me some valuable insight into myself and life in general. We all seem to try taking a more positive worldview despite our struggles. We all have such strength as we push through what we are standing up against.
We all go through our tears of sorrow and frustration, but in the end we are still standing, and that is what counts!!!
As hard as it is I don't think I would trade who I am or who I have become or even these difficult experiences, b/c it has made me stronger. I have a feeling God knows what he is doing!!! [I may not agree with these words all the time but for the most part I think I do.]
I know it bothers a lot of other students that they are shunned from this group, but I find that the "shunned" students have such amazing character and class anyways. I have become good friends with a number of them and wouldn't trade that with some "cool" classification that will die off anyways. These are friendships that have shown me some valuable insight into myself and life in general. We all seem to try taking a more positive worldview despite our struggles. We all have such strength as we push through what we are standing up against.
We all go through our tears of sorrow and frustration, but in the end we are still standing, and that is what counts!!!
As hard as it is I don't think I would trade who I am or who I have become or even these difficult experiences, b/c it has made me stronger. I have a feeling God knows what he is doing!!! [I may not agree with these words all the time but for the most part I think I do.]
Friday, March 12, 2010
Graduation
One of my close friends graduated today. Even though we only knew each other for a month we had a good time around each other. I really enjoyed her company. Anyways she finished her big meal for 50 that is done on graduation day. Also finished her mega monster route early this week. It's a trip we have to plan out and make for a day that involves four city locations to visit, catching all of the transit required for it, and meeting everyone at a restaurant of choice. She picked the Ave. Grill in Denver. It was pretty stressful but she did it. Also to graduate we are required to do complete a project in technology, organizational skills, a 30 page braille recipe book for home management, a mini meal for 15, a woodworking project, a braille project, the monster route for travel, a support drop in the middle of the city, a drop alone in the city, and then our final meal for 50. I am most nervous about the drops. We are dropped somewhere, can only ask one question, and need to find our way back to the center.
This program is definitely a very intense training program and requires a lot out of us. It's very good for me to have high expectations placed on me in order to be prepared to do anything I put my mind too as a blind person. Going to graduate school for a doctorate in Biophysics will demand a lot, even more as a blind person. I know I can handle the academics behind it, but I will also know that I can handle the affects blindness will have on me as well. It's a confidence building program, but it can also feel discouraging as we are muddling our way through. We just can't give up b/c we can do it. I know that given what I have faced in my life as a hearing impaired individual and, overcome, I can now do the same thing with blindness.
Good Luck out in the world Shelby! I will treasure our time together!!!!
This program is definitely a very intense training program and requires a lot out of us. It's very good for me to have high expectations placed on me in order to be prepared to do anything I put my mind too as a blind person. Going to graduate school for a doctorate in Biophysics will demand a lot, even more as a blind person. I know I can handle the academics behind it, but I will also know that I can handle the affects blindness will have on me as well. It's a confidence building program, but it can also feel discouraging as we are muddling our way through. We just can't give up b/c we can do it. I know that given what I have faced in my life as a hearing impaired individual and, overcome, I can now do the same thing with blindness.
Good Luck out in the world Shelby! I will treasure our time together!!!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day at the Capitol
What a stressful day! We had to go to the capitol in Denver and meet with representatives about certain blind issues and a bill we want to have passed. B/c of budget cuts we wanted to make sure funding for our programs wasn't dropped. The main funding program was a blind phone service so we can get newspapers and magazines read to us. We also wanted to make sure we could get copyrighted access so the blind people can read copyrighted materials and have equal access. The bill HB-1152 is important b/c it raised fines for discrimination and harm occurring to guide dogs, etc. Right now the fines are so low they aren't acting as much of a deterrent to keep these kinds of things from happening.
So anyways I had such a hard time in this HUGE maze of a marble building. Sound bounces off of marble and made it impossible for me to localize sound. I had to hang onto a fellow student which is a no no. There was an exception made for me b/c I could not hear enough to follow the group. It's all a giant maze and sound is everywhere. I swear that building is like 80% marble pillars and then tiny walkways. I was not sighted the whole time b/c it was way to much for me to handle. I would say I was definitely overtaxed. It's so discouraging and I wonder if I will ever be able to overcome the hearing issue with my blindness.
So anyways I had such a hard time in this HUGE maze of a marble building. Sound bounces off of marble and made it impossible for me to localize sound. I had to hang onto a fellow student which is a no no. There was an exception made for me b/c I could not hear enough to follow the group. It's all a giant maze and sound is everywhere. I swear that building is like 80% marble pillars and then tiny walkways. I was not sighted the whole time b/c it was way to much for me to handle. I would say I was definitely overtaxed. It's so discouraging and I wonder if I will ever be able to overcome the hearing issue with my blindness.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Today
I had a very good friend of mine visit the center today, so I got to give her a tour. It was fun showing her what I do everyday and show off some of my limited skills. :-) I definitely enjoyed having her there.
Later on I had to do another independent trip to Oxford station where I have never been. This panicked me and I cheated so much. It's like I would be standing and had to check that I really was on solid ground. How dumb is that!!! Well when you start to panic all sense and logic flies out the window. I was so unsure of my cane and didn't know what to do with myself. After I started heading back I ran into my instructor and told him I was mad at him for sending me out by myself. I really felt like I couldn't do it and was not ready. Sounds freaked me out and I was so unsteady. If I had stayed calm I might have been able to do it, but I really don't feel like I know the art of observation enough to determine what I am doing or where I need to go. I was also panicked about ending up on the tracks like Jeff did. I think it was too much of a stretch just yet and left me so very very discouraged and upset with myself. It's one thing to anticipate what you know is present b/c you've been there before. It's an entirely different matter to figure it all out from scratch and not even know the layout of the place.
Later on I had to do another independent trip to Oxford station where I have never been. This panicked me and I cheated so much. It's like I would be standing and had to check that I really was on solid ground. How dumb is that!!! Well when you start to panic all sense and logic flies out the window. I was so unsure of my cane and didn't know what to do with myself. After I started heading back I ran into my instructor and told him I was mad at him for sending me out by myself. I really felt like I couldn't do it and was not ready. Sounds freaked me out and I was so unsteady. If I had stayed calm I might have been able to do it, but I really don't feel like I know the art of observation enough to determine what I am doing or where I need to go. I was also panicked about ending up on the tracks like Jeff did. I think it was too much of a stretch just yet and left me so very very discouraged and upset with myself. It's one thing to anticipate what you know is present b/c you've been there before. It's an entirely different matter to figure it all out from scratch and not even know the layout of the place.
This weekend
I went to a church last night called The Scum of the Earth. I had to go just to see what the name was all about. Anyways there were a group of us from the center that went. 4 of us came back early rather than going out to eat and were waiting for the 10:15 pm bus. The time came and went and No Bus showed. I called Matt to see if the schedule was different. Well apparently Sundays are limited. Our last bus was at 7:50 pm. We had to walk the mile and a half home. It was fun trying to navigate it together. Good practice and I did enjoy the time with friends. But the scary part was before we got to the bus station. We were walking to the light rail waiting zone and Jeff, one of the newer students that has Ushers like me was confused and fell off the platform onto the light rail tracks. Fortunately I could see a little b/c of the lighting at the station and went running onto the tracks to get him off before the train came. He was so disoriented and it took longer than I would have liked to get him off the tracks. Then a train came within a minute of all that. Poor guy! It freaked us all out and I was the only one sighted enough to see what happened to know he was on the tracks. After that ordeal was over with and all adrenaline settled we than had a long walk home in the cold, but it was still enjoyable (not the train track part but the walking part).
Friday, March 5, 2010
PBS Documentary
I saw a preview on the web about the PBS documentary "The eyes of me" about 4 blind teenagers. I'm not sure why but it rubbed me wrong. To be fair I only saw the preview and not the documentary so it might not come across how I perceived it would. The students in the film looked scary, timid, unstable, and cognitively deficient (I nice way of putting it). I don't like the idea of creating or further enhancing the idea that blind people are helpless, in need of pity, and sort of incapable. There are many of us that are very strong in personality, that carry ourselves professionally, that are intelligent, and that can do whatever we put our minds too. The film preview seemed to show a number of mannerisms (or blindisms as we call it) that do not make us as blind people come across very well socially. Even we discuss the problems with certain blindisms so as to not develop them.
It's just that I have made it so far in life and have overcome so many difficulties and the fact that this disability is so out in the open bothers me. I hate that when someone sees my cane they automatically make certain assumptions. I'm afraid this documentary only helps to further those assumptions. I train with some very neat blind people that can do anything and I also train with individuals that have issues socially. It's just part of the mix. I just don't like being categorized so quickly in people's minds.
It's just that I have made it so far in life and have overcome so many difficulties and the fact that this disability is so out in the open bothers me. I hate that when someone sees my cane they automatically make certain assumptions. I'm afraid this documentary only helps to further those assumptions. I train with some very neat blind people that can do anything and I also train with individuals that have issues socially. It's just part of the mix. I just don't like being categorized so quickly in people's minds.
Travel route
Today I have a math conference so I will be taking a break from training blindfolded. Yesterday I was sent on my first independent route from the center to the light rail, up to Evans station, and back to the center. I had to go ask a bus driver where he was headed and then turn around and come back. He thought I was a bit strange to go al that way and then turn around and leave. "Uh Mam aren't you getting on the bus?" "Nope I am just on assignment and am heading back now." "Uh ok!"
A lady at the station thought I was lost...and technically since I was blind I was lost but not in the way she thought I was. "I saw you going that way and now you are back!" "Well I'm on assignment and can go back now!" I did nicely explain it to her since I had time while waiting for the light rail. I peeked a few times b/c I was nervous. The temptation is so high....as my friend likes to put it "The Adversary is tempting me!" LOL!!! Anyways I made it back to the center and Robert at the front desk was like "how'd it go?" I disappointingly told him I cheated. He went ahead and announced over the intercom that I did my first independent. After that he told me that I would learn more skills so I wouldn't feel the need to cheat later on. Hummm I said I liked his perspective better than mine.
A lady at the station thought I was lost...and technically since I was blind I was lost but not in the way she thought I was. "I saw you going that way and now you are back!" "Well I'm on assignment and can go back now!" I did nicely explain it to her since I had time while waiting for the light rail. I peeked a few times b/c I was nervous. The temptation is so high....as my friend likes to put it "The Adversary is tempting me!" LOL!!! Anyways I made it back to the center and Robert at the front desk was like "how'd it go?" I disappointingly told him I cheated. He went ahead and announced over the intercom that I did my first independent. After that he told me that I would learn more skills so I wouldn't feel the need to cheat later on. Hummm I said I liked his perspective better than mine.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
No fingers chopped
WOW it was exciting today. I got to use the miter saw and table saw. Yes I was blind!!! We are actually very safe b/c the techniques we use keeps us from getting to close to the blades. They are techniques even sighted people should use...and most do. We have to properly set the blades and use a click rule to do so...very accurate. We can have a table saw blade more than 1/8 higher than our wood stock we are cutting. We also use push blocks so as to stay away from the blade. Our sense of awareness needs to be sharp (and it sure is when that kind of noise is turned on). Our hands must also stay in place and not move, except to push the push block. The miter saw was interesting. It was actually a sliding miter. I had to pull it towards me, push down on the cut, push back, and then raise it. Allows for cutting of wider boards. So fun!!! Next week I might be doing the angle cuts. Ohhh dangerous sounding. I am having fun with this if you can't tell.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I have to laugh
I am going to laugh at myself about this. I was commenting to a friend of mine that I thought it was funny how when my blind friend was talking with someone at church on Sunday there was a lot of head nodding motions by the sighted person. My blind friend could not see them. Then I caught myself doing the same thing. Not only that but I was under sleep shades myself. LIKE DUH!!! Actually this has happened a number of times. I raised my hand once and realized that wouldn't work so I just called out my name like we are supposed to. Then once I asked a guy that has been total a majority of his life "Why does your cane have blue on top and the others have green." He was like "huh. I just have whatever cane they give me. Who cares about color." Dumb question!!! Well if we can't laugh at ourselves then what can we do.
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