Today was very different for me. I started off with my residential manager cooking in my kitchen. Couscous and sausage. All blindfolded. Try to see if you can pour food into a container without seeing it, then make the water in the container come to a rapid boil before hand. Whoooo! I had to use a spatula against the pot and when that wasn't working for me I went ahead and used gloves to hold the sides of the pot while I poured. It didn't spill so I guess that means it made it in. :-) The sausage was interesting. As a blind person you have to get to know how things feel. SO I had to get all nice and personal with my raw sausage. Eiks!!! Can't be squeamish about raw meats anymore. Have to touch and feel them. I think I will forever pass on making thanksgiving turkey. No way do I want to get all touchy feely with one of those.
I went grocery shopping with my home management instructor at Sun flower farmers market. Me and another student basically just hung onto the cart. A worker came up to use and asked Julie, our instructor, if we were doing an experiment or something. I'm not sure why it offended me, but I really did try to force myself not to be offended. I think it bothered me b/c this so called "experiment" is my real life. Not her fault though. We were wearing those bulky sleep shades. Anyways Julie's response was funny. "The experiment is how long can they deal with me!" Classic Julie comment apparently. She was just protecting our feelings by responding like that. I've noticed that at the center for the blind we all really take care of each other. It's like a family! I like and want that. Especially with people like me.
Staffing happened today. I got to meet with all my teachers and my case worker from DVR. I was glad to see her again. She brought some hearing devices with her that I'm eager to get all set up and try out. They act as headphones and hook up to devices that use headphones (laptop, Ipod, phone, etc.) and then will transmit the sound directly to my ears. No need for bulky uncomfortable headsets. The wireless transmitter around my neck sends the signal. I had fun trying the phone out with it. I can talk hands free and talk. :-) Such neat technology these days!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday
Well today I made salmon patties during cooking class. OK get this. Since you can't see where you put a patty in your fryer you have to find it with a spatula and literally follow the spatula with your finger until you touch the patty. I for one do not care to stick my finger into a fryer without seeing where it is going. This was so against my natural attempt at self preservation. I also had to pull a meal out of the oven and place it on the stove. Had to open and them search for the dish (with gloves on this time) and maneuver my way around to put it up on the stove. Harder than it sounds. I did survive all this though, but the kitchen and lunchtime are my biggest stresses of the day.
Travel was interesting. I have such a hard time pacing traffic and knowing when the far traffic is going. The whole localizing sound thing is not working for me. I'm hoping that despite my lack of hearing I will still be able to learn how to localize sound. We'll see! I am still a tad nervous crossing streets and not quite knowing my direction. Still tend to veer off to the side, but at least it's not to the side that traffic is moving on.
Travel was interesting. I have such a hard time pacing traffic and knowing when the far traffic is going. The whole localizing sound thing is not working for me. I'm hoping that despite my lack of hearing I will still be able to learn how to localize sound. We'll see! I am still a tad nervous crossing streets and not quite knowing my direction. Still tend to veer off to the side, but at least it's not to the side that traffic is moving on.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Challenges
Today was extremely challenging for me. It started off with me trying to answer the phone three times and being unable to localize where the sound was coming from. It was another one of my reality slams as I like to call them. Something as simple as finding a phone and answering it was so hard to do. I was pretty grumpy after that and needed to frequently take time outs for myself to regroup and breath for 10 seconds. I started to cook in the kitchen. I had such a hard time with that. Picture being unable to see to find the handle of a hot pot or safety find a stirring spoon you placed in the pot. Apparently we have to lightly tap and find the pot that way. Yes we have to briefly touch the hot pot. Sigh!!! I can barely cook sighted much less without sight. I made quinoa and a chicken breast grilled on the George foreman. It bothered me touching raw chicken and not knowing what I was touching in my attempts to wash my hands. I really worried about contamination of the rest of the kitchen or other utensils. It’s unnerving to place you meat on a hot grill and hope you don’t bump one of the hot plates.
For travel I had to make my first trip on the light rail. It was fun. I’ve noticed that when it’s time to travel my day begins to get better. I like that part of my day. I ran into people and tripped one guy. Oops!!! I also had to make my first big intersection crossing. It was across 4 lanes of traffic and I was very nervous. Since we can’t see when the little “walk” symbol comes on we cross by listening to traffic patterns and then going when we have a surge in parallel traffic. Well my hearing is not very directional so it was challenging to figure out where my parallel traffic was. Took many cycles before I just went for it and hoped to God I didn’t get hit. I survived. Whew!!!
For travel I had to make my first trip on the light rail. It was fun. I’ve noticed that when it’s time to travel my day begins to get better. I like that part of my day. I ran into people and tripped one guy. Oops!!! I also had to make my first big intersection crossing. It was across 4 lanes of traffic and I was very nervous. Since we can’t see when the little “walk” symbol comes on we cross by listening to traffic patterns and then going when we have a surge in parallel traffic. Well my hearing is not very directional so it was challenging to figure out where my parallel traffic was. Took many cycles before I just went for it and hoped to God I didn’t get hit. I survived. Whew!!!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Adventures in blindness
Today went much better. All in all I wasn't so discouraged. Attitude really makes a huge difference I've noticed. I didn't run into as many corners and walls and my cane was able to catch most of my mistakes so I could correct. In travel I had to walk by myself to an intersection and wait for my instructor. Then we practiced crossing an intersection where buses pull in. We walked up to an intersection and listened to traffic patterns. Not quite ready to cross a busy intersection yet. I did run into someones car and started touching the back end of it and feeling around. I'm sure I look hilariously funny to people as I go around hugging parked cars and such. Can't imagine all the dirt I'm collecting on my jacket!
I had wood shop today. I'm excited about learning to use the table saw with no vision. He was teaching safety stuff today and the clicker rule, which is easier to use than a measuring tape. I'm already scheming about getting him to let me make a bed for my final project. I have wanted to make a platform queen sized bed, and what a great excuse to do it while blind. :-) I have a feeling I'm the only one who thinks that. I'm likely not going to be able to make that, but I'm sure there will be another fun project.
If you have great gluten free recipes let me know. I have to submit some recipes for us to make in the big kitchen. ALL UNDER BLINDFOLD!!!!
I'm actually noticing that it is way safer for me to walk blind than it is to be sighted and think I can see when I really can't. My vision is so deceiving. I have less than I think and usually can't tell. Sometimes it's obvious and other times it's not.
One thing I've noticed is the blind communities attitude to the public. Whereas I'm more apt to accept people's generosity with help and such and I'm more understanding when people nervously don't know what to do around me and the cane, I notice that others are not. There's this general attitude of "people are so ignorant and rude!" I have a hard time with that attitude b/c I used to be one of those "ignorant" folks that didn't know what to do when I saw someone with a cane. Personally I never want to get to the point where I develop an attitude against sighted people like that. I find that it helps to ease people's discomfort with my blindness when I openly converse with them and have nice conversations. Then they can see that "us" blind folks really are pretty normal and not so scary. I think I'm not the norm unfortunately.
I had wood shop today. I'm excited about learning to use the table saw with no vision. He was teaching safety stuff today and the clicker rule, which is easier to use than a measuring tape. I'm already scheming about getting him to let me make a bed for my final project. I have wanted to make a platform queen sized bed, and what a great excuse to do it while blind. :-) I have a feeling I'm the only one who thinks that. I'm likely not going to be able to make that, but I'm sure there will be another fun project.
If you have great gluten free recipes let me know. I have to submit some recipes for us to make in the big kitchen. ALL UNDER BLINDFOLD!!!!
I'm actually noticing that it is way safer for me to walk blind than it is to be sighted and think I can see when I really can't. My vision is so deceiving. I have less than I think and usually can't tell. Sometimes it's obvious and other times it's not.
One thing I've noticed is the blind communities attitude to the public. Whereas I'm more apt to accept people's generosity with help and such and I'm more understanding when people nervously don't know what to do around me and the cane, I notice that others are not. There's this general attitude of "people are so ignorant and rude!" I have a hard time with that attitude b/c I used to be one of those "ignorant" folks that didn't know what to do when I saw someone with a cane. Personally I never want to get to the point where I develop an attitude against sighted people like that. I find that it helps to ease people's discomfort with my blindness when I openly converse with them and have nice conversations. Then they can see that "us" blind folks really are pretty normal and not so scary. I think I'm not the norm unfortunately.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Yikes what a day
Today was just bad. My sense of direction was way way off. It seemed that I would automatically gravitate to a corner and get stuck. If the door was right in front of me it would purposely move over so I'd bump into a corner and get stuck. It seemed I would hit every crack outside and just mad a mess out of my walking.
I had to cross my first intersection and lets just say that it's hard to go in a straight line when you can't see what you are looking at. I had to learn to wait and listen to traffic and what direction it was coming from. My hearing impairment makes this difficult. Bu I was still able to do it. The first crossing veered way off about 10-15 feet or so and I had to trace my way back to the sidewalk curb. The second crossing was close to perfect. This time I was told to listen to where the cars were going and aim for it. I felt like I was walking into the middle of the 4 way intersection but instead ended up where I was supposed to go. Interesting how that trick works out. I do not look forward to real bust intersections that are not residential. Uggg!!!
I spent some time thinking too much today about what I am facing. I really really do not want to go blind and yet I have no choice in the matter. I was told to think about how my blindness is an asset in the field I want to pursue. My thought is that my blindness is no ant asset in the science field. It's only a liability. It's so frustrating b/c not only did I pick a hard field to go into but I'm doing it blind (and at some point I may be totally blind). It's all very overwhelming!!!
They say it gets easier after a few months of this. I sure hope so b/c I am really having a hard time facing my looming reality and accepting this.
I had to cross my first intersection and lets just say that it's hard to go in a straight line when you can't see what you are looking at. I had to learn to wait and listen to traffic and what direction it was coming from. My hearing impairment makes this difficult. Bu I was still able to do it. The first crossing veered way off about 10-15 feet or so and I had to trace my way back to the sidewalk curb. The second crossing was close to perfect. This time I was told to listen to where the cars were going and aim for it. I felt like I was walking into the middle of the 4 way intersection but instead ended up where I was supposed to go. Interesting how that trick works out. I do not look forward to real bust intersections that are not residential. Uggg!!!
I spent some time thinking too much today about what I am facing. I really really do not want to go blind and yet I have no choice in the matter. I was told to think about how my blindness is an asset in the field I want to pursue. My thought is that my blindness is no ant asset in the science field. It's only a liability. It's so frustrating b/c not only did I pick a hard field to go into but I'm doing it blind (and at some point I may be totally blind). It's all very overwhelming!!!
They say it gets easier after a few months of this. I sure hope so b/c I am really having a hard time facing my looming reality and accepting this.
Friday, January 22, 2010
End of week 1
This week has been so exhausting. Whooo!!! I am doing so much work figuring out how to re-adjust to my life but I am feeling pretty good about myself. I've accomplished alot and it's only been 4 days. I do get pretty overwhelmed about all that I need to learn and probably can't fit into this 9 month program that I have to finish in 6.5 months. With grad school looming around next fall I can't train much more than that. I am grateful for this time and chance to really work on my needs and figure out my life and how I am going to be able to function.
Yesterday wasn't such a good day. I guess I was tired and kept getting stuck in corners and couldn't find places that I need to go to. The whole blindfold thing throws me off sometimes. I am seeing that the sleep shades are very good for me. It forces me to really use my cane instead of relying on eyes that really are not very good.
Today I was practicing my typing program and one of the instructors "Chip" told me to walk around if I feel like falling asleep. As soon as he said it I fell asleep and hit the keyboard with my face. I woke up very quickly. He was laughing so hard. I couldn't believe how I did that. He was like "I've seen people do that before but not quite as dramatic as you just did." I got a kick out of it. I think having this weekend to recuperate will be good!
Yesterday wasn't such a good day. I guess I was tired and kept getting stuck in corners and couldn't find places that I need to go to. The whole blindfold thing throws me off sometimes. I am seeing that the sleep shades are very good for me. It forces me to really use my cane instead of relying on eyes that really are not very good.
Today I was practicing my typing program and one of the instructors "Chip" told me to walk around if I feel like falling asleep. As soon as he said it I fell asleep and hit the keyboard with my face. I woke up very quickly. He was laughing so hard. I couldn't believe how I did that. He was like "I've seen people do that before but not quite as dramatic as you just did." I got a kick out of it. I think having this weekend to recuperate will be good!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Day 2
Today went much better. I felt more confident using my cane and getting around. Still got trapped in corners and such but it wasn't as scary. I also challenged myself and made myself use the bathroom without sight. That was quite an adventure. I also practiced cane travel outside and found myself enjoying it. Using just my sense of feel instead of sight is like exploring a "whole new world."
Tonight the big thing was that I had my hearing aids reset again to hopefully make it so that I can hear more when people talk. I also need to hear ambient noise in the background b/c of my vision loss. So my brain is very busy adjusting to sound, lack of vision, and trying to squeeze in braille and teaching my class at ACC. I am a tad maxed out with braille at the moment. I can only handle so much. Sometimes it's easy to feel overwhelmed but I am trying to take it one day at a time. Besides it's only day 2.
Tonight the big thing was that I had my hearing aids reset again to hopefully make it so that I can hear more when people talk. I also need to hear ambient noise in the background b/c of my vision loss. So my brain is very busy adjusting to sound, lack of vision, and trying to squeeze in braille and teaching my class at ACC. I am a tad maxed out with braille at the moment. I can only handle so much. Sometimes it's easy to feel overwhelmed but I am trying to take it one day at a time. Besides it's only day 2.
First Day
Tues Jan 19th
Today was my sons birthday and I had to miss it. At least I celebrated it on Saturday. Wow what a hard day. I was so exhausted from training blindfold all day. I finally started to break down at lunch when I had to figure out how to feed myself without seeing anything. I felt like a five year old getting food all over the place and didn’t even bother with pouring myself a drink. I was so frustrated and the kid next to me who was blind his whole life was like “what’s the big deal just eat!” Can you slap someone when you’re blind? I literally could not figure out how to feed myself. You feel like such an invalid when that happens. Then I had to put my dishes away….WHAT!!! But how the heck am I going to do that with a cane that I’m barely learning to use!!! I needed such a breather so badly. I spent the rest of the day practicing traveling and navigating the building with my cane: stairs, hallways, little tiny corners, offices, furniture. I tended to get myself stuck into a corner and not be able to figure my way out.Then I’d be in the middle of what felt like no where and have no idea what direction went where. I’m telling you I have touched everything and everyone today. I just hope none of it was inappropriate. I have to learn to trust the cane and not try to use my hands to feel where I am going. So hard!!! I also learned letters A-I in Braille. I’m actually a left handed brailler, whereas I write with my right hand. Strange. My fingers are going to feel so calloused after a while. So I had to read phrases and words with the letters in them. Apparently I was very fast and covered a suprising amount of ground until I said “ok my brain is going to explode. I need to stop!”
One of the harder things for me is not being able to lipread and I can’t follow conversations as well. Keeping track of who I know by their voices, and where someone is speaking is really challenging. My ears are just not quite up to par if we all hadn’t noticed already!
When I got to take my sleep shades off my eyes actually hurt and I was so disoriented with what I was seeing. I guess my brain spent the day re-wiring or figuring things out without sight that to suddenly turn that on was overwhelming. I had to where sunglasses indoors.
Teaching went well tonight. I taught my first college trig class and wasn’t nervous at all. I guess I was so worn out from training that I didn’t have energy to be nervous. I wish I could have someone watch and tell me if I am doing well teaching or if I’m one of those wild all over the board type of professors. I do enjoy teaching adults more so than kids with attitudes. Hopefully class continues to go well and I don’t find out that I really am a lousy teacher. I like it and feel like I can teach but I guess we’ll see what others think.
Today was my sons birthday and I had to miss it. At least I celebrated it on Saturday. Wow what a hard day. I was so exhausted from training blindfold all day. I finally started to break down at lunch when I had to figure out how to feed myself without seeing anything. I felt like a five year old getting food all over the place and didn’t even bother with pouring myself a drink. I was so frustrated and the kid next to me who was blind his whole life was like “what’s the big deal just eat!” Can you slap someone when you’re blind? I literally could not figure out how to feed myself. You feel like such an invalid when that happens. Then I had to put my dishes away….WHAT!!! But how the heck am I going to do that with a cane that I’m barely learning to use!!! I needed such a breather so badly. I spent the rest of the day practicing traveling and navigating the building with my cane: stairs, hallways, little tiny corners, offices, furniture. I tended to get myself stuck into a corner and not be able to figure my way out.Then I’d be in the middle of what felt like no where and have no idea what direction went where. I’m telling you I have touched everything and everyone today. I just hope none of it was inappropriate. I have to learn to trust the cane and not try to use my hands to feel where I am going. So hard!!! I also learned letters A-I in Braille. I’m actually a left handed brailler, whereas I write with my right hand. Strange. My fingers are going to feel so calloused after a while. So I had to read phrases and words with the letters in them. Apparently I was very fast and covered a suprising amount of ground until I said “ok my brain is going to explode. I need to stop!”
One of the harder things for me is not being able to lipread and I can’t follow conversations as well. Keeping track of who I know by their voices, and where someone is speaking is really challenging. My ears are just not quite up to par if we all hadn’t noticed already!
When I got to take my sleep shades off my eyes actually hurt and I was so disoriented with what I was seeing. I guess my brain spent the day re-wiring or figuring things out without sight that to suddenly turn that on was overwhelming. I had to where sunglasses indoors.
Teaching went well tonight. I taught my first college trig class and wasn’t nervous at all. I guess I was so worn out from training that I didn’t have energy to be nervous. I wish I could have someone watch and tell me if I am doing well teaching or if I’m one of those wild all over the board type of professors. I do enjoy teaching adults more so than kids with attitudes. Hopefully class continues to go well and I don’t find out that I really am a lousy teacher. I like it and feel like I can teach but I guess we’ll see what others think.
Almost ready to start
So today I am moving into my apartment that CCB provides. Looks like I’ll have a 19 year old roommate. Let’s hope my “old fashioned” ways don’t drive her crazy ;-)
I went on tour of the center a few days ago and I am very surprised with myself. I actually have prejudices myself. I noticed everyone that works there or teaches there is blind in some way or another. For some reason it surprised me. Can they do as good a job? Probably but my own prejudices are getting in the way of seeing that. It’s odd how I can feel that way about my own kind. I’ve just never been one to accept my own disabilities and forced myself to match up with and even surpass people that are not disabled. It’s hard to allow myself to admit what’s wrong with me. Seeing everyone blind really forces me to evaluate myself and perhaps that’s what I’m afraid of. I know I’m not defined by my disabilities but in a way I sort of am. If I ever do something great to contribute to society then the reason I’ll be noticed is because I’m deaf-blind…not b/c of my actual contribution. I’m not sure I mind really. It’s just a different way to look at my life. If you admit it to yourself, what actually goes through your mind when you encounter a blind person on the street? DO you think of them as people, of them as having any major intelligence, or do you notice that part about them only? Well I am so aware that when people see me that is all they see, unless they know me of course! I do not come across as smart, bright, fun, outgoing. I come across as pitiful and blind. That perception I do not care for, but it’s my new reality. A hard one for someone used to being so strong and capable of overcoming all the obstacles put in her way. I used to be so sufficient that people wouldn’t even notice my hearing disability until I told them, but this is something I can’t hide. That bothers me!
I start tomorrow at the center so we’ll see how I handle it. I also teach my first class tomorrow night at ACC. I’m not nervous yet, but probably will be tomorrow. It’ll be my first time teaching at a community college. I’m looking forward to it. Saturday I also start my biology class at metro. I need it for my graduate application to DU (Denver University). It’ll be an adjustment going from not doing much to being super busy.
I went on tour of the center a few days ago and I am very surprised with myself. I actually have prejudices myself. I noticed everyone that works there or teaches there is blind in some way or another. For some reason it surprised me. Can they do as good a job? Probably but my own prejudices are getting in the way of seeing that. It’s odd how I can feel that way about my own kind. I’ve just never been one to accept my own disabilities and forced myself to match up with and even surpass people that are not disabled. It’s hard to allow myself to admit what’s wrong with me. Seeing everyone blind really forces me to evaluate myself and perhaps that’s what I’m afraid of. I know I’m not defined by my disabilities but in a way I sort of am. If I ever do something great to contribute to society then the reason I’ll be noticed is because I’m deaf-blind…not b/c of my actual contribution. I’m not sure I mind really. It’s just a different way to look at my life. If you admit it to yourself, what actually goes through your mind when you encounter a blind person on the street? DO you think of them as people, of them as having any major intelligence, or do you notice that part about them only? Well I am so aware that when people see me that is all they see, unless they know me of course! I do not come across as smart, bright, fun, outgoing. I come across as pitiful and blind. That perception I do not care for, but it’s my new reality. A hard one for someone used to being so strong and capable of overcoming all the obstacles put in her way. I used to be so sufficient that people wouldn’t even notice my hearing disability until I told them, but this is something I can’t hide. That bothers me!
I start tomorrow at the center so we’ll see how I handle it. I also teach my first class tomorrow night at ACC. I’m not nervous yet, but probably will be tomorrow. It’ll be my first time teaching at a community college. I’m looking forward to it. Saturday I also start my biology class at metro. I need it for my graduate application to DU (Denver University). It’ll be an adjustment going from not doing much to being super busy.
Preparing for opportunities
I would say that I am now at a new turning point in my life. After years of frustration with my marriage and the declining vision from Ushers syndrome I am finally at a point where something positive can begin happening. I have finally worked out with DVR which program I felt would best meet my needs. Now I am finally set up to start the Colorado Center for the Blind. It’s a rigorous 6-9 month training program 8 hours a day 5 days a week under complete blindfold. My hope is that as I encounter challenges and face obstacles during this time I can document it here for others to follow and see what life as a blind person can feel like.
I have always been a fighter, a go getter, someone that would not allow obstacles to stand in my way. I know I can do the same as a blind person but now it seems that the challenges will be so much bigger than I have ever faced. I’m apprehensive and nervous and I’m not sure how I can possibly do this, but it can be done and I know I am one of those that can do it. I will also be teaching at Arapahoe Community college at night two days a week on top of this as well as taking a biology class on Saturday for my graduate application requirements in biophysics, my PH-D program of choice at University of Denver.
This is a big turning point for me b/c instead of feeling trapped and guilty for my desires and needs in my marriage I am finally free to reach my potential and be who I was designed to be. While Matt and I are at a turning point in our marriage I believe it is a good one. This will give us the time to re-evaluate our own lives and work on us as individuals so that we can be better able to work together as a married couple. This is my chance to finally have my voice heard and my needs met.
Apprehensively and nervously I cross this new bridge in to new change that I am excited and willing to begin in my life.
I have had so much support from friends, family and people all over and I am grateful for the love and support that I will continue to need throughout this journey. I am at peace about this and feel like the Lord is behind me and will be there to hold me up in times of stress and fear.
HATS OFF to my new adventure.
I have always been a fighter, a go getter, someone that would not allow obstacles to stand in my way. I know I can do the same as a blind person but now it seems that the challenges will be so much bigger than I have ever faced. I’m apprehensive and nervous and I’m not sure how I can possibly do this, but it can be done and I know I am one of those that can do it. I will also be teaching at Arapahoe Community college at night two days a week on top of this as well as taking a biology class on Saturday for my graduate application requirements in biophysics, my PH-D program of choice at University of Denver.
This is a big turning point for me b/c instead of feeling trapped and guilty for my desires and needs in my marriage I am finally free to reach my potential and be who I was designed to be. While Matt and I are at a turning point in our marriage I believe it is a good one. This will give us the time to re-evaluate our own lives and work on us as individuals so that we can be better able to work together as a married couple. This is my chance to finally have my voice heard and my needs met.
Apprehensively and nervously I cross this new bridge in to new change that I am excited and willing to begin in my life.
I have had so much support from friends, family and people all over and I am grateful for the love and support that I will continue to need throughout this journey. I am at peace about this and feel like the Lord is behind me and will be there to hold me up in times of stress and fear.
HATS OFF to my new adventure.
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