Great Day

Today went very well...and to think it was all b/c I didn't allow myself to peak at all and thus my confidence level went up. Made gluten free mini muffins, did a whole bunch o dishes, read lots o braille, and learned to navigate facebook.com on the computer. My kids came to visit and I cut up and apple for them along with heating up some meat I made in the microwave. I can actually read the braille letters on the microwave. SO exciting!!! It's becoming practical and useful now. The kids had fun and were as wild as usual. Abby made comments like "I'm getting used to people and things around here." So silly!!! Travel went well. I felt like I was figuring out my cardinal directions better (N, E, S, W) and keeping better track of it as I travelled. We were travelling in a neighborhood and some dogs got really mad at us and were very ferocious sounding. It didn't bother me until a tree branch bumped my shoulder and I startled thinking a dog jumped the fence to land on me and attack. Wow quick adrenaline rush. Good thing I figured out quickly that it was a tree.

If anything I noticed that by conscientiously forcing myself not to peek I saw that I really could do it and my confidence was much higher. Hummm wonder what the moral of the story is!!!!!

Woodshop

Today went well in woodshop. I learned how to use the router table ane made dado cuts. I got to make the cuts while he was on the other side of the room. Doing the math calculations really hurt the brain though. Keeping track of all the numberd in your head is challenging. I enjoyed myself.

Personal struggles

Today was another reflective day for me. I have been struggling with myself. I sort of feel like I've hit a wall temporarily. I've been going full speed ahead and I almost need to just sit back and be okay with slowing way down and spending time evaluating myself. Going through these life changes are very difficult. I'd like to be able to go from room to room without having to think so hard about how to do it. So tiring!!! The only break I get is when I'm sleeping. I already spent a lot of brain power interpreting what I hear...now I have to interpret what I don't see. Could we not have a worse combination of disabilities!!! I had one of my counseling session and we discussed something I thought was very insightful. If I could just take it one day at a time I would probably find things to be less stressful. I've always been a planner and it's stressing me out. I can only see the big picture and it looks so daunting and overwhelming. I can not see how I will survive...but I know I will. I just have to look at it one day at a time. We also discussed how people with significant trauma in their lives tend to be overwhelmed by uncertainty. Someone in a major car accident may wake up at times after recovery unable to go without being terrified of what is going to happen to them on a given day. Fear is a key word. Well in my case this disease has so much uncertainty with it and I seem to be stuck in this giant land of limbo. I am too blind to do such activities as drive or walk casually and uneventfully through a store without the need of a cane. Yet I am not yet totally blind so I don't quite fit in there as well. It's a very disturbing sense to feel like I don't quite fit and I'm not sure what I can do about it. I'm also terrified that I don't know what my future holds. I'm trying to prepare the best I can but I don't know how to plan for it. Will I be total next year, or in 10. Will I be able to do graduate school? Can I be a mom? Is my hearing going to drop too? I have a hard enough time with the hearing I have and being unable to read lips anymore. I can't lose what I have. I am really afraid of what I may have to face in that department. It seems like I am living like I have been traumatized by this...and in a way I have. It's such a drastic alteration to life as I knew it. It's frightening and I have no control of it.

OK enough reflecting. So far I am now in grade 2 braille. Grade one includes the alphabet, and all punctuation. Grade 2 is when contractions come along. Fun but so much to learn. For example the letter c by itself means can. There are symbols for parts of words, like: ed, ing, ch, and others. There are symbols for words like and, of, with, and others. It shortens how much you have to read and makes everything fit better onto pages, but it's a lot to learn. I don't know how I am going to remember all of them. I have also been learning how to read and track the lines. They feel so close together that moving from line to line often ends with me missing lines, returning to previous lines, or completely lost somehow. Wheew...lots of stuff to know.

Royalty

I went to the shopping mall with my daughter Abby in order to get my braille watch re sized. I didn't take my cane with me (which wasn't smart considering how many objects I about ran into). Anyways I noticed that as I approached a door to go into the building someone was coming out. I'm so used to people noticing me and holding the door, opening the door, and doing everything to be helpful. This time I had no identifier and the person let the door shut. I had to screech to a stop to keep from running into it. I guess I've been getting used to be treated like royalty. LOL!!! My friend would say it serves me right for not taking my cane with me. I make so many little mistakes without my cane and people just go around thinking I'm so rude and glare at me. I make almost as many mistakes with my cane, but at least people look at me and think "oh she's just blind!" It does make me laugh though. Guess I had a little mini lesson on that one.

Drywalling

Today I spent time drywalling a stairwell and brought a friend of mine from the Colorado center of the blind. She is totally blind but very interested in learning how to do as much as she can. I decided to teach her how to drywall and she was very excited. I am attaching a video of me teaching her to feel where to score the drywall so that we can hang it up. We hung two sides of the stairwell and will finish taping and mudding another day.

Another Graduation

Another student graduated from the center. He is from Ethiopia and his story is a touching one. He was blinded by tree sap when he was a child and then he was used as a beggar in the city for some opportunist man. He was able to escape and survived blind for many years before some missionaries found him and got him into our program at the Colorado Center for the Blind. I may not have his story entirely correct but I know his story is a remarkable one. Most of us in this program have very touching remarkable stories of enduring hardship and overcoming obstacles. It is sad to see people go but it is good to have them go out into the world as independent blind adults capable of doing whatever they put their minds too. I am very fortunate to have met these strong and courageous individuals.

I know my story is not an easy one and yet it is who I am. I would not be the same strong determined and ambitious woman if I hadn't faced these hardships all my life. Perhaps we are living proof that when the bible says "Perseverance under trials builds character and strength," it was right. (Of course that verse is very paraphrased). :-) At the same time I can say I would have preferred not to have gone through all this crap, but it is what it is.

"There are days when I hate everything about being blind and there are others when it seems do-able and okay to live with." This is something one of my friends recently said and I would say sums up what I am facing. Some days I feel so confident and ready to accept this and then other days I wish I could throw everything I own off some roof. I definitely experience so many raw emotions when it comes to this. It seems that one day will be fine and then one little disappointment or experience will set me off. Being blind is a very scary prospect, especially with hearing loss on top of it. When I am under sleep shades I notice that my level of understanding communication is hard, especially the more conversations and noise you add to a situation. I still find myself feeling like this is all so unreal and find it hard to believe that I am actually losing my vision. Some days I am just so tired and exhausted dealing with my life. It feels so hard and unfair. Then other days I completely shut off my feelings and ignore the obvious about what I am going through.

I struggle with how obvious my impairment is, and how much I have to rely on others. I've always been more independent and now even that is being taken away. I spend so much time feeling so bad for putting others out when I need help with something, like shopping. I don't like how it feels when I can't get my needs met by myself and I have to rely on someone else. It's hard and I know it will only increase more so as I lose more and more of my vision.

OK now that I have spent all this time talking about my sad feelings I have some good news. I got to take today off because it snowed too much. The center was closed for the day. It was a much needed break!!!